Monday, 18 April 2011

I just don't know anymore.

I've had a very angry head of steam lately, and for someone like me that's really emotionally trying to keep up. I'm tired of being angry all the time, I prefer my general state of apathetic idealism. I prefer to be at peace, and ever since I was a kid I've practiced meditation. It's a great way to come to terms with the stress and anger that every day life can instill. Yet with all that's been going on, I feel my anger is justifiable, not just a tantrum. So it's really hard to find a balance between keeping up that steam and going ahead with actions in connection with all that has been causing the anger. Its a double edged sword. Normally, I would just purge myself of all the negativity, abuse and harrasment by putting it behind me and letting myself move on without it. Yet this time it almost feels like that is the wrong thing to do, that I should in fact hold on to the anger and take action. As much as I like to advocate for the underdog, I never really enjoy doing it for myself. It takes what I feel is a lot of negativity to continue being angry with people for wronging me. It's easier to feel empassioned about other peoples stress and drama, and to take arms for them than it is for me to take up arms for myself. I'm at a bit of a stalemate, I don't really know what I should do. I'm getting a lot of advice to keep it up, to push, to take action. Yet I don't know anymore if I fully feel that it's worth my time. Although I am hurt and angry, especially about a lot of the bulk of my last blog posting, I'm out of that environment, and I don't want it to keep affecting me and colouring my life with anger. I guess it's time to do some soul searching and decide for myself what I really want to achieve in spite of or even because of all of this personal drama.

Outside of that! I started on a super secret awesome project yesterday. It's for my friend's birthday, and so far it's amazing. It involves crochet, and yes it is intended to be jewelry. I was inspired by both the irish lace patterns I have and something I saw in a local cafe shop. Once she has the present I'll definately post some pictures. I'm also going to make it for myself too, probably in a different colour because so far it is in fact incredible. Gah! These make me so excited I can't even express how much glee it gives me!

I've come up with some really interesting ideas for more crochet projects, things based on the stuff I love. Including something based off of a wicked crocheted C'thulu I saw online when I google searched for "weird crochet". I know he's a full sized plushy, but I really want a pair of Cro-thulu earings now! Also on the list: crochet Beholder necklace, and a crochet jellyfish scarf. I just love the idea of having a long tendrily scarf jellyfish to circle my neck and keep me warm. The only question I have now is do I bother making the cap part a hood or not?

I do still intend to actually make some of the irish lace jewelry from the patterns I found online, if just to give me a stronger sense of how to redesign some of it to fit into my ideas for some crochet snails, butterflies and snakes as lace jewelry.

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